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You always wanted a pond and finally you decide to do-it-yourself and save money. You start by mapping out the pond location in the backyard. You drive stakes to mark the pond outline; the first stake punctures the underground sprinkler line. (Repair line and mark location of other underground lines: $200.00).
Get shovel and rake from garage, start digging; your shovel breaks (handle is rotten from lack of use). You turn around and head for the garage to get another shovel and you step on the rake, handle flies up, hits your face. You pick up the rake, show it who's boss by throwing it across the yard. The rake smashes out the garage window. (Emergency room charges for the nose X-ray: $500.00; window repair: $30.00, new shovel: $9.99).
You now make the decision to rent a back hoe to make up for lost time. (backhoe rental $400.00) You dig through the water line to the neighbors house. (repair water line $600.00) You relocate the pond, start digging with the back hoe, swing the bucket and take out an 8 foot section of the other neighbor's fence. (repair fence: $200.00) Resume digging, but maybe the this area should be a little wider. You dig through the cable TV line to everyone's house. (repair cable TV line: $450.00, takes two days, movie rentals for neighbors: $100.00).
With the digging finished, you drive to the dealer to pickup the liner, pump and other neat stuff. On the way home, it starts to rain. You spend the next three days looking out the window. You watch TV and find videos you forgot to return. (pond stuff: $500.00; late charges on videos: $22.00) The rain stops and you go to buy a sump pump ($199.00) to pump out the hole. The wife comes out and tells you that dinner is ready, you yell back "Can't, you see I'm busy....hold mine for later." After a while, you feel guilty and since the pump is running okay, you go inside to eat. The wife and kids are finished and the wife informs you that yours is in the kitchen. In the kitchen, you find a paper plate, plastic fork, a can of tuna fish and a can opener. The cat feels sorry for you and joins you for dinner.
Finished dinner, you go back outside and discover Old Faithful coming from the pump. You reattach the hose and start the pump, but this time the hose comes off. You search for the blockage and find a knot tied in the end of the hose. Glancing over the fence, you see the neighbor standing in muddy water grilling steaks. You reroute the hose in the basement window and into the laundry room and down the drain. Your now ready to continue pumping out the hole.
Your wife begins screaming uncontrollably. You run into the house, through the basement door, slip and fall face first into four inches of muddy water. (second nose X-ray: $500.00, cleaning service: $650.00) The liner, bottom drains and skimmer install without a hitch. A fireman friend brings a tanker by and fills the pond for you. To top it off, you lay the garden hose in the pond and turn on the water.
While you are standing there, you notice all kinds of wiggly things in the water. A pond friend tells you to put 100 pounds of salt in the water to kill the wiggly things and to stop algae from growing. (salt: $50.00). You decide to quit early and wash the wife's car. You unhook the hose from the bib and get the other hose to wash the car. The wife is happy with the clean car and dinner is good.
The next morning you wake up to discover the hose has siphoned all of the water out of the pond. As you glance over the fence at the water all over the neighbor's yard, you smile. The neighbor is on vacation.
You refill the pond and then take the pickup truck to the quarry to buy some stones for the edging. Cheaper by the ton, so you fill up the truck. On the way home, you slam on the brakes for a squirrel crossing the road. One of the stones smashes through the back window, bounces off of the seat and goes through the floorboard. Hey, it's an old truck, no big deal. At home you unload and go back for another load. This time you break a rear axle in a pot hole. You must tow the truck home, unload it and then tow it to the dealer. (stone:$200.00, towing: $150.00).
While you are waiting for the repair estimate, you walk into the showroom. Just looking. Get the estimate and leave the dealer with a new extended cab, 1-ton, 4-wheel drive pickup with optional roll bar, bed liner and window guard. (pickup: $28,000.00). You explain to your wife how handy it will be when you build the water fall, not to mention those heavy cases of tuna. The neighbor gets back from vacation and comes over to talk. He watches you lay the stone. He asks if it rained while he was gone, you say no. He tells you how strange it is that only the plants in his back yard have died. You smile and invite him to a cookout you're having next weekend to show off the finished pond.
At the cookout, everyone is impressed with the pond. The neighbors and your wife have forgiven you and wish you well. (cost of food and beer: $375.00). Feeling very proud of yourself, you propose a toast to your wife and thank everyone for being understanding. Next, you announce the plans for the five level waterfall.
You come home form work the next day and notice the houses on both sides and behind yours are up for sale. You then use your new pickup to get the stone for the waterfall. (pot hole is fixed, stone: $300.00).
A few weeks later, as you're putting the finishing touches on the waterfall, your new neighbor comes over and admires your pond. He tells you how he has always wanted one and asks your help. You give him the phone number of a club member who owns a landscape business. You best advice is to get an estimate, it might be cheaper than he thinks. Next weekend you stop by the neighbor's. The estimate for the pond is $5,815.99. He is sure he could do it cheaper if he only had a pickup truck like mine. You offer to sell him the pickup for what you owe. Later that evening, with your wife, you discuss putting the house up for sale.
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